Authentic friendship

The need for authentic friendship is wired into us. There are days when life can feel crushing and overwhelming. Like you’re the only person on the planet, living on an island and wishing there was help somewhere. I’ve had days like this. More than once. And authentic friendship is a beautiful gift during such times.

One time stands out in my mind more than others. I had just had my son and all the physical nightmares that came after his birth. It was a tough few months of pain, surgeries and being laid up on the couch or in bed. For a goer and doer like me, this felt like the end of the world. Added to that is my closest people (other than my husband) were far away and not able to come by and visit me. I had my sister for the first nine weeks but when she went home, this incredible sadness and loneliness came over me. I couldn’t go anywhere yet, my husband had to work and I was struggling to manage pain, a house and a newborn. 

The biggest hurdle for me though was my loneliness. I’m a people-person. An extrovert. Sitting on the couch all alone was hard. Sad. Overwhelming. 

A few times local friends would call or text and ask what they could do to help. So I would tell them- “you can come and visit me. I need someone to talk to.” Maybe that is an awkward request for some because no one followed through with the assignment. Brining a meal or sweeping your floor is a more appealing task, I guess. So there I sat. I was so lonely, in lots of pain and incredibly sad. 

Then one day, a lady I barely knew from church called and told me she had the whole afternoon and was willing to come and do my laundry, dishes or whatever I needed done. I was grateful for her kindness, but my sister had left me a clean house and freezer full of crockpot meals and my husband was doing the laundry. What I really needed was a friend. Just someone to be with me. 

So I told her that. 

“What I really need is for you to just come and sit and talk with me.”

I didn’t know all the words to say how I felt. I just wanted someone to be in the same room with me and not be afraid of my current mess. The pain and awkwardness of my physical trauma and the fact that I was three months postpartum and still on the couch. I needed a friend to sit WITH ME in the mess.

Isn’t that what Jesus did for us? His very name foretold by the prophets: Emmanuel means GOD WITH US. He left the comfort of His home to be a part of our messy world. Because He LOVED us.

Too often we feel compelled to fix people. To make all the wrongs right…or at least in our minds that’s what we want to do. It seems if we can’t do just that then we are scared of what to do. If they can’t be fixed then we tend to run away. What if we say the wrong thing? I won’t know what to do or where to look or if I should go over and visit at all.

So we don’t go. We don’t say anything. We leave our hurting friends in their messes all alone. And this wound adds to their current misery. To be hurting is one thing. To be in pain AND alone, is a deeper and very powerful emotion that is much harder to face.

“What I really need is you to visit me.”

So on that chilly spring morning in 2022, my church lady friend didn’t shy away from my pain. She stepped into it. She texted: “I’ll be there at 11:30am with lunch! Text me your order from Tropical Smoothie!”

And she came.

She sat there on my couch and rocked my baby while I talked around the world. She listened. She let me eat and she talked. We laughed. I cried. I heard parts of her life story. She heard parts of mine. She asked questions about my current messy situation. She listened and told me what I needed to hear most- that I wasn’t crazy and this was hard stuff and I would make it. She gave me what I needed most: her presence.

I’m more than three years past that day in March of 2022, but I’ll tell you this, every time I tell this story, I still tear up. Because my friend gave me what my heart needed that day- authentic friendship. She wasn’t afraid of my messiness. My tears. My crazy hair and three-day old clothes. My physical pain. She was willing to do the awkward and BE WITH ME in it all.

I doubt she thinks she did anything heroic. But to me, it gave me hope. Hope in the middle of my mess.

I’ll also tell you this…I knew when my friend left that day that we would be long time friends. Because she is authentic. She is real. She isn’t afraid of my crazy. And that was just the beginning.

She always seems to be in the right place at the right time for me. Like in my bathroom when I was delivering my baby girl faster than anyone could get there. Now THAT is a different level of mess and she was there again. But that’s a story for another day….